Dear Carla,

May I begin by saying – “EXAMS ARE OVER! FUCK YES! FUCK YES! FUCK YES!” and next by saying, look at the number of this letter. Serious lolage, no?

It’s raining like wee wee over here, and it’s a kind of bumfuck right now. I don’t know why I have such a potty mouth at the moment. It’s probably because I have an overbearing director who is never pleased with how I say my lines. He wants to make the whole play like a pantomime, over acted etc. Yet none of the cast wants to do it like that and all the parts are just shit.

Oh fuck, who gives a crap about him anyway. 

You probably want to hear about my exams, I assume…

They were pretty easy, and when I say pretty easy I mean they were easy, except a few tricky questions on the way. I have incredibly low exam confidence, so when I get stuck on one question – I think I’ve failed the exam. The exams I do miserably in are the ones I am cocky about. 

Embarrassingly, while I was doing my exams something horrific happened. Well it wasn’t horrific, but it was pretty frightening. Anywayz (ding), I was sitting, slouched in my chair having finished my first exam. After much fiddling and banning of doodling on the exam papers, I resorted to sucking the saliva between my teeth. This actually turned out to be pretty fun, and I was testing to see just how much fluid I could keep in my mouth before I had to swallow. So, as I’m doing this fun game, I lean forward or lose concentration and all of the saliva spurts out of my mouth like this jet and onto my shirt. I swear no one noticed, but if they had I’d probably have some unfortunate nickname by now. 

About my surname, it is very much German and if you had done a little research after hearing this, you’d have found out my name actually means “because” in German. YES. My name is Ben Because. Lap it up, because I love my name. I love being a connotation of disgusting and grammatically incorrect at the same time. (Ben because would never work in a sentence. It would be: Ben, because).

I did a very bad thing the other day. (This letter is really disjointed). You know the Honesty Box thing on Facebook? Well, basically I left some really honest message for a couple of people, knocking them down a few pegs, if you get my drift and one of them got really defensive. Said person actually got too defensive and started talking to me (unknowing it was me) about how cowardly it was. Seriously, my skills as a liar are beyond my expectations. I managed to convince this person that not only it wasn’t me, nor did I know who it was, but that I was on his side with the whole thing -

I really wish we had own clothes at school. You can really tell a lot about someone from their clothes. My actual favourite way of finding out about people is what their favourite flavour of crisps (chips to you) are. In Britain, the main crisp company Walkers has like four hundred flavours of crisps. You can tell so much about what your favourite flavour is. Here is a simple chart:

Ready Salted: Plain, unadventurous, serious

Cheese and Onion: Quirky, funny, irritating

Prawn Cocktail: Popular, follower, leader, brave

Salt and Vinegar: Interesting, normal (relative…)

Any kind of sauce (Ketchup, Marmite…): Odd, unique, fake(?)

Okay, that’s enough analyzing flavours. TO CONTINUE ON ANOTHER TOPIC: I have the absolute worst case of *ahem* diarrhea (sp?) ever. I will not dwell on the topic, but I have probably smelt one lactulose too many.

You know what jars me? People who do not think before they talk. I was having an argument (which I am still totally right about, Alex) with a friend today and I was trying to convince him that people don’t always mean what they say. He was saying that “Jack once told him he was his second best friend” (what kind of a childish thing to say is that?) so I said, quite plainly not meaning to offend and even prefacing it with “obviously it’s not true but..”, that once a boy who he was “best friends” with at the time had told me that he liked me more than him. He then got really offended, and this is what ticked me off, and says:

“Well it’s different, because I was best friends with Hugh and you don’t even know Jack.”

Okay. This annoyed me for two reasons. A) Because Alex has no fucking clue how well I know Jack. Alex had never even met Jack’s mum before she died. I had met her on countless occasions (I can feel myself going to get sidetracked) I was best friends, and knew Jack, long before Alex was even friends with any of our “group”. It just really makes me angry when people can be so obnoxious to say something like that. He’s always opening his mouth and spilling out some unedited garbage and just not thinking stuff through. (I HAVE JUST REALISED. Alex wondered why I got pissed off that he went to Jack’s mum’s funeral uninvited and I said I didn’t want to go – it’s because he never fucking met her. How disrespectful is that? FUCK!)

Okay, I need to cut this short, I have too much to say and I want to rip of Alex’s head right now because he is an obnoxious little twat sucker fuck faced cunt licker cootie queen FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

OMIFUCKING GOD. HOW DARE HE SAY I DON’T KNOW JACK. HOW FUCKING DARE HE BASE HIS FRIENDS OFF MYSPACE TOP FRIENDS! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I feel ill again.

Lots of love and I hope you feel better after your face heals and you stop being grounded (yes, she’s grounded)

Your friend who just angered himself,

Ben.

P.S FREDDIE HIGHMORE IS A FREAK.

P.P.S He stood, basked in the darkness and took a breath.

“There’s not really much to it,” he began. “I think it was about four weeks ago. Half way through the summer holiday. Yeah, I think it was then, because it was just after I went away… Nine o’ clock? I think that’s when it was. Well, it was late. Late-ish. It wasn’t dark though, being the middle of summer. So, I was walking through here with my iPod plugged in and I see this enormous flash of light. At first I thought it was a camera, or something, because it really was this huge flash. Like as if the paparazzi were here or something. Naturally, I walk over to this very spot, just above us. I don’t see anything at this point, and the light is starting to go now. I begin to walk away again and there’s another huge flash, but this time it comes right under my feet! I kick away a couple of leaves and through a hole in concrete I can see a little channel of water. Being the amazing guy I am, I pretty much figure out immediately that it’s the old water tank. No one’s been down here in about three years. Some kid fell through the concrete, and they had to re-do it all. Nowadays people stay clear from here.

The next day I got some stuff and came down here and found this thing. That’s all I know. Except I think there’s something more to it. I think it’s linked to the disappearances.”